Here at RumpRage Industries we claim to be an influential company, aiding the lonely man and/or woman since 1973. And aside from the sparse cases of dissatisfied homeless people (keep in mind we never actually verified the Rum Sucker’s capability), we have succeeded.
You’re laying on your couch with a brew in hand, watching the television. The dog won’t stop chewing on your toes and if that goddamn baby doesn’t shut its trap you’re going to apply duct tape. The football game you’re tuning into commences to halftime so you begin to flip aimlessly through the channels. You come across one of your favorite movies of all time: Pulp Fiction. You kick that stupid mutt in the face and dwell into the hilarity of TV edited movies.
Here, I supply a small selection of some of the absolute best replacement lines from around the globe:
EXT. SUBURBIA – DAY
The LANDLORD pulls up into the driveway of a white two-story house in his dusty Ford Explorer. He would do absolutely anything to avoid confrontation with the tenant who lives here. He’s met him a few other times, and on each occasion he had accidentally placed his hand on something sticky and nasty. Nonetheless, he knows it has to be done. The guy’s three months behind rent and someone must put a stop to it. He just wishes he didn’t have to do it.
I don’t know how many of you have noticed this, but over the last couple days the world has seemed to have gone straight to hell. Daily casualty statistics have skyrocketed by 70% and are still ascending. Buildings are being burned to the ground and reports of cow mutilations are off the chart. The world has sparked a new form of chaos and there is only one thing to blame.
Naked flying arrow-equipped infants bent on destruction of the human race.
A 6 STEP GUIDE IN CREATING A SUCCESSFUL SITCOM
You’ve had enough. You’ve decided that you’re sick of living in your parent’s basement and that it’s finally time to make something of yourself. You’re anxious to prove your High School guidance counselor wrong once and for all. But at the same time you’re scared. What if you can’t do it? What if everyone is right and you really are a failure? Maybe this decision is just stupid and you should go crawling back to the basement and read some Internet comedy.
EXT. SOUTH PACIFIC OCEAN – DAY
GEORGE and WALTER drift aboard a raft, lost at sea. They have long dirty hair and bushy beards that are way overdue for a trim. The only attire they possess is some loin cloth and mud stained skin. On the raft is just them and a sloppily crafted spear. They are of a primitive nature, meaning that they are from before Christ and all that biblical jive. And because of such factoids, their only means of communication is through a very confusing series of clicking, clacking, grunting, and rude gestures. So, for the sake of unnecessary complexity, let’s view this rare encounter as if they are speaking in the only language that really matters: English.